Okay,
so you didn't want to listen to me. Here's some things that I find to be VERY
amusing. Okay,
so you didn't want to listen to me. Here's some things that I find to be VERY
amusing.
I hope you do, too. If anything I have to say offends you, you have been warned to sail away from this page.
My students have told me many times that I have a very goofy sense of humor. I've also been told by several people that the only reason that they no longer studied martial arts was because their teacher was "a total assh*le". Here, I'd like to prove everything about me is TRUE!
Well,
I'm certainly glad that I subscribe to one of the "minor" religions. I wonder
if the guy in this advertisement is the one they are talking about. The price
for the full page ad in this magazine is $1340.00. This organization also has
a website and a toll-free telephone number. Yup, there's big bucks in hawking
religion!
Okay, I just couldn't resist. I looked up their website and loved this quote: "The Master -- is a senior member of the Hierarchy of the Masters of Wisdom; his name, well-known in esoteric circles, is not yet being revealed for various reasons. (lawsuits?)Benjamin Creme is in constant telepathic contact with this Master who dictates His monthly articles to him since 1982". I also enjoy this little message: "A growing number of SIGNS & MIRACLES worldwide (crosses of light, healing waters, milk-drinking icons, weeping statues) confirm Maitreya's presence among us, as do other remarkable signs of Maitreya's approach".
Milk drinking "ICONS"?
The word icon from my Merriam Webster means:
Function: noun Etymology:
Latin, from Greek eikOn, from eikenai to resemble 1 : a usually pictorial representation
: IMAGE 2 [Late Greek eikOn, from Greek] : a conventional religious image typically
painted on a small wooden panel and used in the devotions of Eastern Christians
3 : an object of uncritical devotion : IDOL 4 : EMBLEM, SYMBOL
Geez, since it's now 2006, I am curious why this guy has waited for 24 years to show up and manifest himself as the messiah. I can't help but wonder if being "in constant telepathic contact" could provide some embarrassing moments. I also wonder if any of the members get a refund if the "Master" turns out to just another fraud.
I'm now thinking about creating my own religion. I'll call it "HOLY CRAP!". I'll do things like pose with arms akimbo and shout "BEHOLD!". Because dirt is not in my sight, I shall banish it from my laundry! BEHOLD! I have the sacred power to remove all of the money in both your checking and savings account! How cool is it to make a really nice living without ever working for it like the rest of us?
I
was talking to Seth earlier about this really awful horror flick I saw in the
1970's at a drive-in. The television ads would exclaim "There's only one
thing wrong with the baby...IT"S
ALIVE!
It was such a bad movie, that true to form it spawned a sequel!
Even more shocking is that it was titled "It's Alive, 2". (Too)
Then, because you can't keep a bad movie down, they made "It's Alive III: Island of the Alive".
I went to my mailbox, and opened up a catalog with this ad. I must say that I was really offended. "It's Alive" is a classic? I think this critter would be great in a ventriloquism act. "So, Billy - I hear your parents have three children." Billy says "Yeah, one of each kind".
I
only hope that the guy on the left didn't spend the $69.95 on this DVD.
"What the? A choke? Damn! I never thought of that one! I sure hope I can find my receipt!"
Perhaps the guy on the right is saying "$69.95 was worth every penny so I could do THIS!"
I can save you some money by recommending poking your attacker in the eye, kicking his testicles, punching their throat, etc. I warn you, however, this takes MINUTES to master. It's also a good idea that the bad guy does not fight back, but just stands there like a lump of jello.
I think Steve Martin has a very good idea for self defense - throw up on your money if someone is about to rob you.
Your
Lightsaber and You. I love this Star Wars "Fan Film". It's
really clever. Click the pic to watch it. I also like the word "pants"
substituted in key dialogue from Star Wars. "I find your lack of pants
disturbing". "You are unwise to lower your pants". "You
came in those pants? You're braver than I thought".
Star
Trek Why Capt.
Kirk Is better than Capt. Picard
Three words: "Flying side kick". One word: "hair". I personally am concerned that in the future, there is STILL no cure for male pattern baldness.
I
enjoy the U.S. Airforce ads. "Airforce- Aim High". Of course you have
to aim high at a flying object. If you aim low you'll miss!
Stephen
Colbert was actually invited to the White
House because some moron took his excellent satirical program, "The
Colbert Report" as factual. From what I read, Stephen KILLED!
I love his "Alpha Squad 7 - A Tek Jansen
Adventure" series and his recent "Green Screen Challenge"
featuring Stephen with a lightsaber. My official links to the Comedy Central
sites are dead to me now, as they have been removed.
Frankly,
the only way I can get national news without getting really upset is by watching
The
Daily Show. I
really like Stephen Colbert. He's a very talented person.
Big Damn Bridge I wonder what this bridge ever did to deserve such a nasty name.
I
was at a party once when I was being annoyed by a drunk convinced I was a "ninja".
I told him this story:
"Yeah, one night when I was out gigging frogs using a really bright flashlight
to blind them, I got hit by a bright beam of light from out of the sky. I looked
up and was instantly blinded. The next thing I knew I was aboard a FLYING SAUCER!"
Next, these little funny looking guys wanted to do some kind of weird experiments on me. Well, I was not about to let that happen! No, Sir! I burst into the cockpit, and wrestled the steering wheel away from them and took control of the spacecraft.
While we were fighting for control of the vessel, I crashed into some kind of monument in Washington, D.C. (actually this is from "Earth vs. The Flying Saucers")
(1956).
I'm
happy to say I finally got the entire Monty Python television series on DVD.
Here's one of my favorite episodes where aliens turn Englishmen into Scotsmen.
Here, a Scot takes on one of the aliens that is not so much of a man, but rather... A BLANCMANGE!
Monty
Python's Flying Circus never fails to make me laugh! I've read blogs by fellow
fans that they won't even date someone that "doesn't get Monty Python".
My big brother, Randy, convinced me to go see "Monty Python's Search for
the Holy Grail" in the 1970's.
He told me that since I love the martial arts, that I would really enjoy the Black Knight scene. I did!
Here, Bicycle Repairman makes his appearance among an entire town of Superman types.
John
Cleese (left) makes a striking Superman.